Monday, May 17, 2010

The first 30 years were great. So why do the next 30 look so blue?

Ok so bear with me everyone. It's been a hard day emotionally and I just need to put it all in words.  Yesterday was Memorial Day at my deceased Grandmothers church so I went with my mom to pay my respects.  My mom and I talked about Death a little but and it didn't bother me until today.  I look back over the last 29 years of my life and it is filled with mostly joy.  I got to grow up with wonderful parents who taught me how to be the person I am today, I got married, built my life, and built a business and career that I love. My parents worked hard to raise me and I am super lucky that I grew up in a household that had two parents who loved me more than they loved themselves.  Up until last year I was fortunate enough to still have my two grandmothers with me. So, why do the next 30 years seem like they are going to be horrible? If I live to see the day my parents pass, in 30 years my mom will be 90 and my father will be 87.  It is possible but in all likely hood they will pass in the next 30 years and I will be left here on this earth to guide my own path.  I will have to bury the two most important people in my life and I will be the one who feels the grief the most.  I will be the one left with decisions on where to bury and how to move on with life without them.  I will be left to make all decisions on my own.  There will be no more picking up the phone and calling mom or dad when I need advice or just need someone to talk to.  How do you deal with that?  How does life go on? I have watched the grief that my mom has gone through over the last several months of losing her mom and I wonder how to you deal with it?  How to you wake up everyday, put one foot in front of the other, and act like everythings ok?  I guess one day I will find out.

Also, I have come to the terms with the hand that I have been dealt in life.  I understand that I will never own a big fancy house, will never be rich, will probably be in debt for the rest of my life, and will probably live the rest of my days in small town friendly.  Last year my husband, at the age of 29,  was dignosed with MS.  The last year has been hard on us.  We have had to come to terms with his illness and what it means for our future.  There have been a lot of fights and a lot of hurt to have to deal with because of the illness.  I understand that there are a whole lot of other illnesses out there that are a lot worse but it is hard for us to wrap our head around the fact that there is not a lot known about MS and that there is no treatment for the disease.  Sammy has to take medicines that will hopefully slow down the progression of the disease but unless god or science interveins his disease will get worse over time. In the next 30 years it is highly likely that we will have huge set backs. I will be 30 next year and I am scared to death to have children becuase of not knowing what the future holds for sammy's disease.  If he has a set back or the disease gets worse how could i possibly take care of myself, sammy, and a child and then at some point deal with the death issue?  How to people have children? It scares me to death to think that I would be responsible for the safety and well being of another human life.  I respect people who have children because I honestly don't know how they do it. How do you raise a child in the society we live in? How do you not run away screaming.  A life of seclusion sounds good right about now . :)

I guess my bigest thought or question is how to I make the next 30 years of my life count? I know that I am not promised tomorrow but looking ahead how do I balance everyday life, business, and family and make the next 30 count? How do I ever spend enough time with the people I love so that when one day they are gone, I will feel at peace and be able to move on? How do you keep moving foward when the future looks so bleak?  I know that the few of you who take the time to read this will tell me that I need to put my faith in Christ and know that one day I will see my loved one's again.  The only problem with that is the unknown.  Lord willing and I somehow make it to heaven, we won't be there to carry on with life, we will be there to praise Christ and all his glories.  When people pass away on this earth is that the last of that type of love that you will ever feel? In that last breath does the love that you have felt all your life from that person drift away?  Do you ever get to feel that again?  The next 30 years look bleak.  How do you deal with that?

1 comment:

BeadAddictSLuna said...

I hope that these thoughts were just a temporary change of your mood, Kelly. If you still in the process of wondering how to deal with your future, I have a little advice. How do you know what your future holds for you? Why do you think that you'll be the one to stay and grief? One wise woman once told me (when I was going through the same mind set) that it may happen that tomorrow, I'd go out and some brick just would drop on my head. You never know, it might be Sammy or your Mom who might have to deal with all the grief. So live today and do the most of it for yourself and people you love, and dream of the best future you can imagine. Enjoy what you have now and be happy. Our minds build our lives.
With love and care, your friend (sorry if my grammar isn't good, English is not my native language).